24th August 19..
[A translation]
For a long time now, I have been searching for the right words, to send to you. About our child. Our daughter. But something has been stopping me. Stalling. I don't know what.
She was born on 9th April 19…. My beloved daughter's handprint, you sent to me, it's inked impression, here, on this envelope. I looked at that handprint, and read your words. With amazement. It sets me thinking. Nature's ways are inviolate, the same for everyone. To help forget, to break, twist, re-mould. To re-build someone's heart. How expert a hand is nature. A broken heart has been mended, with no cracks visible.
My child is over four months old, and I am so far away from her. Here, in London. It's five o'clock in the early morning. I am struggling to fall asleep, but I'm wide awake. Perched in front of me, are two photographs of our child. She is smiling, gazing at the photographer.
Perhaps, she is also wondering:
"This image will go to that man whose heart's deep wounds, have not yet healed. I can at least tell those wounds, father, I am the fulfilment of your dreams. I will make you laugh. Your wounds will heal."
She is trying her very best to make me smile. To laugh again.
Having lingered on that image, feelings overcome. My daughter is looking at me. Perhaps she wants to run, joyously, into my arms. My heart fills. I long to hold, and embrace her. This lightening of life's burden.
But, no. God has other plans for me. He has separated us for a reason. So, the longing grows. My child, will be older, and I will pick her up, take her in my arms. She will hug me with love. Bring cool, solace, to my hurts.
My wife seems lost, deeply, in her thoughts. Maybe she is having those very same feelings. My darling's father is so far away. What precious token can I send him, to show him this symbol? What was she thinking, when this image was taken? I see wistfulness, no laughter in her face. Her dreams, they have not been answered yet. She wanted to bring this joy to me. As if she owed me something. Maybe, maybe, she is longing for the very moment when she is able to present, that priceless gift to me.
Here, my longing, burns brightly. When can I leave this place? Then, I have to stop myself, stop this yearning. But, it is difficult. How can I stop this longing? There is a connection, a bond. I too have dreams I shared with her, she makes my world beautiful again. Three spirits will meet at the same time. A new world opening. Two halves will be reunited, and reach their destination. Then life will blossom.
I know this will happen one day. I know. This is the mystery of life, not easily understood. You have to bow and accept, your destiny, your fate, is written just for you.
But, don't worry. The fruit is sweeter, if you wait. My wife, and my daughter, who I didn't even nurture, who blossomed, without my presence. What will life hold for us? What will their desires be? What paths will they want to take? What kind of world will we be together?
These are the thoughts I have, that strengthen my resolve, that keep me going. I am struggling to give them a better life. Struggling to reach that sweetness. Only he who has travelled with me, truly knows. This sinking ship, this drowning man, has dreamed, has sought a safe haven. Many, many times. How painful it has been to reach this point. My family. How strange, this life. How sweet and sour. How heavy and painful. But, also, light as a feather.
God made life so wondrous. A man can become lost, a stranger, in its living. He knows not the end of it, or gives up the desire, the knowledge, or the struggle, of living. Without these struggles of life, you come to realise, that the living is hollow.
My child. God bless you. May your life be full of laughter. May you grow, and thrive. As much as I'm able, I will help you fulfil your dreams. Adding to the beauty, of our small, perfect world. May contentment fill our days, with all our friends around us, supporting the journey of our lives. May there be no lessening, weakening, of this bond. May we keep on going, strong, through whatever comes our way.
24th August 19..
Being Jiwan…x
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